Unrequited Love

It has been nearly a decade since I have been in love, and I mean devoted, wholehearted, and unconditional love. I met my first love at the innocent age of 14/15 and even though I probably couldn’t explain the definition of true love or even identify it, I knew that I had found something special. Although he had not much to offer me, he made me feel admired, wanted, adored and secure. He was the first person who made me feel like I was worthy to be loved and respected, and for that he will always have a place in my heart.

Forward, 8 years later and I never thought I would meet someone as special, until I met you. The way you looked in to my eyes, the way you caressed my skin, the way you kissed and loved every flaw lit up a fire within me I thought had died a long time ago. You reminded me of who I was and more importantly, you showed me who I could be. Your touch felt familiar, your passionate kisses blew life back into my soul, the way you cupped my face with your large hands and held me with your strong arms… I felt protected, your presence made me feel safe. Just your undivided attention and listening ear was all I needed sometimes. You made me feel like the sexy queen I knew I could be. You made me feel alive again. Days without you felt like weeks and weeks without you felt like months. I craved your scent, your lips, your dark naked body against mine. The nights without you felt so lonely it was almost unbearable. The smell of you on my pillow cases was the only thing that cradled me to sleep when you weren’t around. Every time I see you, you send shivers down my spine. The energy between us is electric, almost orgasmic it drives me crazy.

 

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I want you. I love you.

 

I never knew the person I admired so much and grew to love would betray me like this. Was it a facade? Was it all a lie? Was I blinded to the signs? When you changed and showed a different face, I constantly had to question, question your actions as well as mine. Am I doing too much? Am I smothering him? Am I asking for too much? Am I expecting too much? Is this going too quick? Is he bored of me already? Now the same person who gave me butterflies now makes me feel sick to my stomach. I cannot take it anymore. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and you took advantage of that. I trusted you. I gave you my heart and you treated me like I was disposable. Just a quick snack to keep you occupied. What did I do to deserve this? I never asked for any of it. Why am I not worth your love? Why am I not worth your respect? I never knew unrequited love could be this painful. You’ve hurt me and knocked my confidence for a while.

 

I love you, but I am disappointed in you.

 

 

One thing I have learned from situation is: if a man wants to be with you, he will move mountains to be with you and to make you happy. He will show his love through his actions. His heart will be in the right place and his intentions will be pure. You will never have to question his loyalty to you. He will want to satisfy you in every way possible. Love shouldn’t have to hurt, love shouldn’t be unfair and love shouldn’t be emotionally and physically draining, love shouldn’t be a lie.

I refuse to believe that I’m not good enough. I refuse to believe that I am not worthy to be loved. I choose to forgive this man who clearly had no idea how valuable this little gem is. The word says that God made no mistake when he created me and I choose to honour that. I have done all that I could. I gave him my body and my soul but my all was not good enough for this man. I was blinded by my love for you but now I have to learn how to forgive a person who isn’t sorry. That to me, is strength and another large hurdle I have to overcome.

xxx- Florencia

– My Lemonade

I know its early days but since it took over social media I mibeyonce-lemonade-album-music-video-tidalght as well seize the opportunity to lay myself bare.

Well, we all saw it coming, Beyonce serving the world lemonade.. How it was served was very refreshing, I personally didn’t see it coming. However, the taste of Lemonade is undoubtedly very identifiable and left a familiar aftertaste in a lot of women out there. To me however, it tasted a bit foreign.. but when I sat back and processed the language, the emotion of what she conveyed in her message I realised that it applied to me as well. Perhaps mine should just be served with a straw instead of ice. Now let me sip on that sh*t.

Mr. Y did cheat on me. Perhaps not with another woman but he certainly deceived me. Made me believe he was someone else, sold me a dream, made me to believe that he would be the one to save me from my emotional pain. Well.. if only I could speak to my 17 year old self, Oh how things would have been different right now.

“You can taste the dishonesty/ Can’t you see there’s no other man above you/ What a wicked way to treat the girl that loves you./ Something doesn’t feel right.. / What’s worse, looking crazy?.. More like walked all over lately/ “– Beyonce

How can someone I loved so much, that cared for me, supported me, filled in a void in more ways than one, made me feel like I was living like every girl’s dream..  Just turn on me. He took his mask of and showed me his real self, over and over again. I forgave him time and time again.

He always got them f*king excuses, Sorry! – Beyonce

Cried myself to sleep most nights and put on a smile the next day. This went on for years.. You probably wonder why I allowed him to come back every time. Well it took me 1 year and a half of intermittent psychotherapy to sort of understand my thought process at the time. In fact, I realised the reason why I was still with him had less to do with him but more with me and how I felt about myself. I felt lonely, insecure, undesirable, unattractive.. I had lost my voice completely, he took that away from me. The lioness inside of me who stood up for me and fought with me through my battles gave up and raised her white flag. I was afraid of being alone, didn’t think I would meet another man after him and I was very unsure about my future and how it would look like.

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” It’s such a shame, you let this good love go to waste./ Who the f*ck do you think I am? You ain’t married to no average b*tch, boy./ I am the dragon breathing fire/ Beautiful mane, I’m the lion/” — Beyonce

I lost it. You ask how? Well.. I f*cked up his sh*t, Yes ma’am I did. And yes it felt soo good ! I was angry! Not at him anymore, not for what he was doing to me, not for the person he turned me into, but I was angry at myself. Angry at the lioness within me. How can I not be defeated by life and what it has thrown at me but I allowed a man to disregard all my achievements, spit on my accomplishments, disrespect my being. How can I allow a man to change me to the point where I do not know who Florencia is. At some point I couldn’t recognise myself anymore and quite frankly, I was ashamed of myself.

It took me 2 years to walk away and 1 year to find my authentic self. To be honest, that 18 year old girl has been battered to death and is gone. But that’s fine because I came to the realisation that reinventing yourself is even better. One of the most important lessons that I have learned by finishing my glass of lemonade is listening to my gut and staying true to my authentic self. Ignoring the lioness will result into a dose of headaches, tears and a bite in my plumpy ass. Secondly, a good friend probably taught me a lesson by simply reminding me to be truly content with myself. To me that means accepting oneself and not depending on others for your happiness. This takes a lot of soul searching, self reflection and maybe taking your self out for a few dinners and retail therapy. I haven’t completely gotten to that point yet but I am well on my way and therefore I am a lot happier. I have met my new self and it seems like its been working out for me. There is a fire within me, a passion for life which I had lost but have found again. I am taking life head on and grab anyone who’s in my way by the the jugular and the balls (if they have one).

-X- Florencia

Where it all began

As this is my first post I think its only right for me to start with some self-reflection and explore the motivation behind ‘Honour My Mystique‘.

It all started when I was born in the Netherlands, at a couple of months old my parents gave me up for foster care to a middle class Caucasian family who lived in a predominantly Caucasian area. My foster family was very loving and took me in like I was one of their own. They accepted and loved me for who I was. However, I was not so much welcomed at school.

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Ever since I can remember I was told and made to
believe that I wasn’t good enough. I remember being an 8 year old girl struggling with the notion that my skin colour is too dark and therefore undesirable. Being compared to ‘Black Pete’ (which is the Dutch version of Black Face).. I was bigger than the average child and that ‘fat Black kid’ or ‘Black cow’ was mostly my label.. I wasn’t only being treated or looked at differently, but I was simply bullied and sometimes attacked for the fact that I looked different then most children in my school. I felt like I was being tormented at the time. I was told that ‘children are being children and don’t know any better’. But when I got branded ‘the fat nigger’ in secondary school I knew something wasn’t right..

Then the day came when I turned 12 and got told that I had to permanently move back home, to my biological parents. Initially, I felt heartbroken, disposed of and abandoned by my (foster) family. I am not good enough again. Not worthy. Not worthy of being cared for and being protected by the people who I viewed as my family. But having gone through the emotional roller-coasters at such a young age, I started to appreciate the silver lining in situations. So I figured, at least I would be surrounded by ‘my own kind’, around people who would appreciate and accept me for just being me. I could develop a relationship and a bond with my parents, and experience the concept of ‘blood is thicker than water’ and have a genuine connection. But I was sadly mistaken..

My mother introduced me to skin lightening/bleaching products, it is to ‘correct’ your skin and make it look ‘nicer’ she said. ‘Florencia, all you do is eat and sleep’, that’s what I was told on a regular basis, when in fact I was a grade A student and most days after school I trained to become an athlete. You need to eat less otherwise men won’t look at you, you won’t be able to find a husband when you’re older.. Being ridiculed by the community for not being able to speak the native language and being classed as the ‘White girl’ (how ironic) or that I am neglecting my heritage,  being told that I act ‘White’.

As you can imagine, I never had much of an identity or a sense of belonging when I was younger. I have and probably always will be an outcast. But over the years, from being a lost and confused child growing into an independent woman I have learned to accept and learn to love my uniqueness. I have learned to accept how my experiences have moulded me into the warrior I have become today.

I am a work in progress, but the fact that its in motion is of paramount importance. I love my mystique and nobody can take that away from me.

Watch this space…

-X- Florencia