I know it has been a while since I posted new content. I guess university and life in general got in the way. I think juggling assignments, a new job, insecurities, and my depression got the better of me which led to me making excuses, overthinking, being critical and therefore procrastinating.
I said my depression because I’m owning it. I’ve realised it has become a part of me that I’ll probably have to deal with for a long time. I told myself that after coming off of medication after a year, implementing valuable lessons I’ve learned in therapy to my day to day life and trying to identify triggers and my thought processes that I would be okay and that I could manage.
I looked at myself in the face and said “After all you have been through, you’re still here. As long as you are alive and well, you will find the strength to pull yourself through it” and most times I did. I tried to get on with life in the best way I could but it simply hasn’t been as easy as I hoped it would be.
It’s hard to stay strong and have a positive outlook when you don’t have someone to talk to when you’re feeling low, when you don’t have someone who understands the struggle. The struggle of not wanting to get up in the morning.. being alone with your thoughts. Some would call it being irrational or dramatic, but to me.. To me, this is my reality. There has been nights when I woke up screaming and sobbing because I found myself overwhelmed by anxiety, fear and hopelessness. Unable to breathe. Body shivering. Heart beating out of my chest. But nobody there to call for help.
It took a lot of self-reflection to realise what caused me the most pain. I found myself being in a cycle of feeling unvalued by others, friends, and family. Being disappointed, time and time again. Patterns of self-destruction, over and over again. I found my happiness in someone else’s hands.
I need to take back control of my own happiness. Not diving in head first and take ownership of my own actions. Being able to trust, love and be loved, without getting lost in it. To start recognising achievements and stop being hard on myself. Having faith in the notion that everything will fall into place at the right time. The feeling of being on edge all the time and feeling like you are about to jump off a cliff can be emotionally and physically draining but I have made a conscious decision to jump and take a leap of faith and hope that I will land in a safe place.
I wrote that about 6 months ago. That’s how I genuinely felt 6 months ago. It was safe to say I needed some time off and chill the fuck out lol. Needless to say, depression/anxiety is very difficult to deal with and it can take over every aspect of your life if you allow it. When you are in the midst of it all and being overwhelmed by self-doubt, misery and heavy-heartedness, I couldn’t look beyond the shit storm. It took me a while to clear my head, it was an internal struggle with myself. My fight worn me out so much to the point where I was numbed to emotional pain and felt like I unconsciously turned on survival mode.
But 6 months later, I’ve had the chance to reflect on a lot of things and managed to identify repetitive behaviours which were harmful to my state of mind and how I perceived myself as a person.
Mental health awareness and the ability to openly speak about it and share experiences are imperative. It will be the only way forward to a better understanding and inclusiveness in today’s world. To anyone who is struggling with mental health issues, self-image or if you’re just having a crappy day just remember it will be okay.