During my last relationship I have gone through a lot of emotional roller-coasters not just because of what he had put me through but what I had put myself through. Constantly going through an emotional battle led me to seek comfort in food. Food became my comfort blanket, my friend in time of need and a short-lived moment of happiness.This relationship had two faces, one that was instantly comforting and the other stabbed me in the back almost immediately after. An emotional eater.
I gained a considerable amount of weight and stretch marks which made me even more insecure than I already was. I thought I was ugly. I was angry at myself for what I put my body through and how I allowed my relationship to change me internally and physically.
I went through a period of seeking affirmation and feeling the need to be desired by everyone (men in particular). I wanted to feel wanted, feel attractive. I simply wanted to be seen by others. Not because of my ego but because I couldn’t bear to see myself and my flaws. So when I finally had the courage to move on and be single I started dating… and dating Veerryy often in order to get the attention (that I thought) I wanted. It was fun to let my hair down and I explored myself in many ways. Being complimented on my curves, my figure and my looks was what I needed. I needed to know that underneath all the weight I still had ‘it’. I started to feel ok about my new body because men approved it. I started to feel sexy again which I hadn’t felt in a long time.
A few months into the dating game I felt a bit better about myself, felt sexier and all the good stuff but at the same time I felt empty. My heart felt heavy and I did not understand why. I felt lost and alone. Exchanging intimate energies with the other and being vulnerable drained me. Emotionally drained me to the point that what I thought made me happy actually made me sad and anxious. My body being worshipped and adored and my stretch marks being kissed was no longer enough for me. I needed more. I needed emotional fulfilment which they couldn’t provide for me.
I went to start my day as usual, got into the bathroom and got on with my routines. Whilst I was getting ready, I stopped and I looked at myself in the mirror. Dropped my bathrobe on the floor and had a good look at my body. It was almost as if time stood still for a moment. It was the realisation that I had to be content with myself internally and physically in order to be truly happy. Contentment and happiness cannot be measured by the number of likes I get on a picture I post on social media. It cannot be measured by the number of direct messages I get from men or on how many dates I go on. Most importantly, being content and happy is not determined by how someone else sees you but rather how you see yourself and how you feel within yourself.
The more I wanted the others to want me, the less I felt about myself. I needed to find myself and believe in myself again. I started to stay in tune with my feelings and started to accept the woman I had become. I realised that I deserve to make myself happy again.
I like myself and my body again.
I’m just saying…
Photo credit: Selina Mayer