Unrequited Love

It has been nearly a decade since I have been in love, and I mean devoted, wholehearted, and unconditional love. I met my first love at the innocent age of 14/15 and even though I probably couldn’t explain the definition of true love or even identify it, I knew that I had found something special. Although he had not much to offer me, he made me feel admired, wanted, adored and secure. He was the first person who made me feel like I was worthy to be loved and respected, and for that he will always have a place in my heart.

Forward, 8 years later and I never thought I would meet someone as special, until I met you. The way you looked in to my eyes, the way you caressed my skin, the way you kissed and loved every flaw lit up a fire within me I thought had died a long time ago. You reminded me of who I was and more importantly, you showed me who I could be. Your touch felt familiar, your passionate kisses blew life back into my soul, the way you cupped my face with your large hands and held me with your strong arms… I felt protected, your presence made me feel safe. Just your undivided attention and listening ear was all I needed sometimes. You made me feel like the sexy queen I knew I could be. You made me feel alive again. Days without you felt like weeks and weeks without you felt like months. I craved your scent, your lips, your dark naked body against mine. The nights without you felt so lonely it was almost unbearable. The smell of you on my pillow cases was the only thing that cradled me to sleep when you weren’t around. Every time I see you, you send shivers down my spine. The energy between us is electric, almost orgasmic it drives me crazy.

 

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I want you. I love you.

 

I never knew the person I admired so much and grew to love would betray me like this. Was it a facade? Was it all a lie? Was I blinded to the signs? When you changed and showed a different face, I constantly had to question, question your actions as well as mine. Am I doing too much? Am I smothering him? Am I asking for too much? Am I expecting too much? Is this going too quick? Is he bored of me already? Now the same person who gave me butterflies now makes me feel sick to my stomach. I cannot take it anymore. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and you took advantage of that. I trusted you. I gave you my heart and you treated me like I was disposable. Just a quick snack to keep you occupied. What did I do to deserve this? I never asked for any of it. Why am I not worth your love? Why am I not worth your respect? I never knew unrequited love could be this painful. You’ve hurt me and knocked my confidence for a while.

 

I love you, but I am disappointed in you.

 

 

One thing I have learned from situation is: if a man wants to be with you, he will move mountains to be with you and to make you happy. He will show his love through his actions. His heart will be in the right place and his intentions will be pure. You will never have to question his loyalty to you. He will want to satisfy you in every way possible. Love shouldn’t have to hurt, love shouldn’t be unfair and love shouldn’t be emotionally and physically draining, love shouldn’t be a lie.

I refuse to believe that I’m not good enough. I refuse to believe that I am not worthy to be loved. I choose to forgive this man who clearly had no idea how valuable this little gem is. The word says that God made no mistake when he created me and I choose to honour that. I have done all that I could. I gave him my body and my soul but my all was not good enough for this man. I was blinded by my love for you but now I have to learn how to forgive a person who isn’t sorry. That to me, is strength and another large hurdle I have to overcome.

xxx- Florencia

CONFIDENCE

Quite recently I’ve had quite a few people commenting on my confidence and how I come across. People who know me know that I’m referred to a diva and a princess (No idea where that came from lool) . I came across an inspirational post the other day on how to be more confident. It was explained in 5 steps/points which I think were quite relevant in today’s society. I’ll outline the points and give it my interpretation.

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1.       Stop comparing. Stay focused on you.

This is quite an interesting one. I’ve struggled with that for such a long time, especially with social media. I constantly felt like I was underachieving and not reaching my potential. In the virtual world, everyone seems to be happy, successful, and living a luxurious life. It’s so easy to forget that everyone has their own story and struggles and everything isn’t always what it seems. My path towards growth and success is my own, whether I will get there tomorrow or in years time shouldn’t matter. What matters to me is that I’ll get there eventually in God’s time. One thing I like to adapt to planning and making goals is being SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely/Trackable)

“Many people fail in life, not for lack of ability or brains or even courage, but simply because they have never organised their energies around a goal.” – Elbert Hubbard

 

Focus your energy on the things that matter to you and YOU only.

 

2.       Relax. Go with the flow and don’t stress the little things.

One thing I’ve learned is: when you feel like you’re stuck, frustrated, tired, overwhelmed etc. CHILL THE FUCK OUT! I naturally have quite a laid-back demeanour. And I have LEARNED (in capitals because I have struggled with this forever) to let things go. When it is not in your control: LET IT GO BOOBOO. 9 out of 10 times, with hindsight, it’s an issue/situation not worth getting grey hairs over. Brush yourself off, laugh about it and keep it moving 😉.

 

3.       Love yourself. You are a gift. Nothing would be the same if you didn’t exist.

 

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“IF I DON’T LOVE MYSELF, NO ONE ELSE WILL! Call me Beyonce, I’ll own that !” — Florencia

 

I have LEARNED to love, appreciate, and accept myself. I have LEARNED how to love and appreciate my personality, my curves, and my spirit. I have LEARNED to accept my body, my stretchmarks, my rolls, my belly, and the colour of my skin. One thing I have realised is that I cannot allow my happiness to be determined by other people, whether if it’s their actions towards me or how they treat me. I have LEARNED how to make myself happy.

 

4.       Be positive and look for the good in every situation.

Like mentioned at point 2; laugh A LOT, relax, and let go of things that do not matter. Be mindful of your limits but do not shy away from challenges. Try new things and focus on solutions rather than problems.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” – Maya Angelou

 

5.       Do what you love. Life is too short to waste your time doing anything otherwise.

Like mentioned at point 3, I have to take ownership of my own happiness. So I have decided to do things that I enjoy doing like travelling, going out for meals, cinema, going to festivals.. even If I have to go on my own (LOL!). Being comfortable enough to go out on your own and genuinely enjoy yourself is the most liberating feeling (I would recommend it to anyone!).

Life is way too short. Don’t let anyone/anything get in the way of enjoying it! Do not wait around for other people to make your day, be proactive and create your own happiness.

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“Life is short, and it’s up to you to make it sweet.”—Sadie Delany 

XX Florencia

 

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Hair dye: Dark Garnet Red & Garnet Vivid Red

Earrings and Clutch bag: New look

Watch: Michael Kors

Dress: Fashion Nova

Sandals: RiverIsland 

 

 

MY Depression

Hi Guys,

I know it has been a while since I posted new content. I guess university and life in general got in the way. I think juggling assignments, a new job, insecurities, and my depression got the better of me which led to me making excuses, overthinking, being critical and therefore procrastinating.

I said my depression because I’m owning it. I’ve realised it has become a part of me that I’ll probably have to deal with for a long time. I told myself that after coming off of medication after a year, implementing valuable lessons I’ve learned in therapy to my day to day life and trying to identify triggers and my thought processes that I would be okay and that I could manage.

I looked at myself in the face and said “After all you have been through, you’re still here. As long as you are alive and well, you will find the strength to pull yourself through it” and most times I did. I tried to get on with life in the best way I could but it simply hasn’t been as easy as I hoped it would be.

It’s hard to stay strong and have a positive outlook when you don’t have someone to talk to when you’re feeling low, when you don’t have someone who understands the struggle. The struggle of not wanting to get up in the morning.. being alone with your thoughts. Some would call it being irrational or dramatic, but to me.. To me, this is my reality. There has been nights when I woke up screaming and sobbing because I found myself overwhelmed by anxiety, fear and hopelessness. Unable to breathe. Body shivering. Heart beating out of my chest. But nobody there to call for help.

It took a lot of self-reflection to realise what caused me the most pain. I found myself being in a cycle of feeling unvalued by others, friends, and family. Being disappointed, time and time again. Patterns of self-destruction, over and over again. I found my happiness in someone else’s hands.

I need to take back control of my own happiness. Not diving in head first and take ownership of my own actions. Being able to trust, love and be loved, without getting lost in it. To start recognising achievements and stop being hard on myself. Having faith in the notion that everything will fall into place at the right time. The feeling of being on edge all the time and feeling like you are about to jump off a cliff can be emotionally and physically draining but I have made a conscious decision to jump and take a leap of faith and hope that I will land in a safe place.

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I wrote that about 6 months ago. That’s how I genuinely felt 6 months ago. It was safe to say I needed some time off and chill the fuck out lol. Needless to say, depression/anxiety is very difficult to deal with and it can take over every aspect of your life if you allow it. When you are in the midst of it all and being overwhelmed by self-doubt, misery and heavy-heartedness, I couldn’t look beyond the shit storm. It took me a while to clear my head, it was an internal struggle with myself. My fight worn me out so much to the point where I was numbed to emotional pain and felt like I unconsciously turned on survival mode.

But 6 months later, I’ve had the chance to reflect on a lot of things and managed to identify repetitive behaviours which were harmful to my state of mind and how I perceived myself as a person.

Mental health awareness and the ability to openly speak about it and share experiences are imperative. It will be the only way forward to a better understanding and inclusiveness in today’s world. To anyone who is struggling with mental health issues, self-image or if you’re just having a crappy day just remember it will be okay.

-xx- Florencia

— Seeking Contentment

During my last relationship I have gone through a lot of emotional roller-coasters not just because of what he had put me through but what I had put myself through. Constantly going through an emotional battle led me to seek comfort in food. Food became my comfort blanket, my friend in time of need and a short-lived moment of happiness.This relationship had two faces, one that was instantly comforting and the other stabbed me in the back almost immediately after. An emotional eater.

I gained a considerable amount of weight and stretch marks which made me even more insecure than I already was. I thought I was ugly. I was angry at myself for what I put my body through and how I allowed my relationship to change me internally and physically.

Selina-Mayer_Web6I went through a period of seeking affirmation and feeling the need to be desired by everyone (men in particular). I wanted to feel wanted, feel attractive. I simply wanted to be seen by others. Not because of my ego but because I couldn’t bear to see myself and my flaws. So when I finally had the courage to move on and be single I started dating… and dating Veerryy often in order to get the attention (that I thought) I wanted. It was fun to let my hair down and I explored myself in many ways. Being complimented on my curves, my figure and my looks was what I needed. I needed to know that underneath all the weight I still had ‘it’. I started to feel ok about my new body because men approved it. I started to feel sexy again which I hadn’t felt in a long time.

A few months into the dating game I felt a bit better about myself, felt sexier and all the good stuff but at the same time I felt empty. My heart felt heavy and I did not understand why. I felt lost and alone. Exchanging intimate energies with the other and being vulnerable drained me. Emotionally drained me to the point that what I thought made me happy actually made me sad and anxious. My body being worshipped and adored and my stretch marks being kissed was no longer enough for me. I needed more. I needed emotional fulfilment which they couldn’t provide for me.

 

One morning…

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I went to start my day as usual, got into the bathroom and got on with my routines. Whilst I was getting ready, I stopped and I looked at myself in the mirror. Dropped my bathrobe on the floor and had a good look at my body. It was almost as if time stood still for a moment. It was the realisation that I had to be content with myself internally and physically in order to be truly happy. Contentment and happiness cannot be measured by the number of likes I get on a picture I post on social media. It cannot be measured by the number of direct messages I get from men or on how many dates I go on. Most importantly, being content and happy is not determined by how someone else sees you but rather how you see yourself and how you feel within yourself.

The more I wanted the others to want me, the less I felt about myself. I needed to find myself and believe in myself again. I started to stay in tune with my feelings and started to accept the woman I had become. I realised that I deserve to make myself happy again.

I like myself and my body again.

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I’m just saying…

-X- Florencia

 

Photo credit: Selina Mayer

Suicide and Self harm: A cry for help or a cry for ‘likes’

 

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Recently I came across a post on social media about an R&B singer Kehlani that evoked very strong emotions in me which quite frankly I was not aware of. The post as follows:

“RnB singer Kehlani recently got accused for infidelity. Conveniently, she attempted suicide as a way of trying to escape the abuse –(criticism on social media).

I am split about this. On one hand, she may actually have felt depressed. On another, I feel she took this drastic step for attention seeking/sympathy.

We as a society, are we too Judgemental which can drive people to do such things?”

That was a reaction related to a post on Kehlani’s instagram:

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Attention seeking and sympathy are words that have been used to describe this incident in many social media posts and pop culture blogs. For example, R&B singer Chris Brown has a very similar view and posted:

“There is no attempting suicide. Stop flexing for the gram. Doing sh*t for sympathy so them comments under your pics don’t look so bad.”

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Well my first reaction was shock. I was pretty much stunned at not only the ignorance of the fact but simply the fact that most people couldn’t look passed the alleged affair she had. I was sad because these views and comments are evidently a reflection of today’s society and generation of people who are so consumed with and influenced by social media to the extent that it has taken over our lives in too many aspects. I was disappointed and actually quite annoyed (to say the least) because in 2016,  we as a modern society should know better than to allow something as trivial such as social media to have such a major impact or influence on our ability to distinct fabrication from reality. It is almost as if social media has become the new sense of reality.

 

A few statistics:

1 in 10 young people suffer from a mental health disorder; 50% of mental health problems are established by the age of 14 and 17% by the age of 24 (Kessler et al., 2005) and 20% of young people may experience mental health problems or the onset of mental illness at any given year (WHO, 2003). Women are more likely to suffer from a mental health problem in comparison to men and are also twice as likely to be diagnosed with anxiety related disorders. While suicide rates are generally higher in males than females, it is well recognized that self-harm including poisoning and deliberate self-injury are more common in females (O’Loughlin & Sherwood, 2005)

My point I’m trying to make here is that mental health problems are real and amongst us and it shouldn’t be overlooked, ignored or not being taken seriously. Before that day I had no clue who Kehlani was and I still don’t know much about her, I’m unable to develop a formulation nor am I qualified to diagnose anyone but since she’s a 21 year old young woman who’s dealing with scrutiny from the media, fans and blogs around the clock, based on research I figure she may well be suffering from mental illness. Secondly, what if she was indeed seeking attention or sympathy? Has anyone thought of the possibility that she might be displaying this behaviour on this scale as a cry for help? Even if she did cheat on her partner and she only harmed herself in an attempt to deflect from that issue, shouldn’t that ring a few alarm bells?

I’ve had a few instances when I’ve told certain people that I’m training to become a psychologist and their response were ‘Oh, so you like working with crazy people?’ … Perhaps, these comments get to me because I do not only study mental health for a living but I intermittently suffer from depression and anxiety myself and I know how much of a silent killer it can be. This feeling of being sucked into a black hole and not knowing when you’ll be able to get out of it. Not being able to control your irrational thoughts, feelings, behaviours and emotions. Imagine being locked in a sound proof room where nobody can hear you scream for help, you endlessly trying to break through those brick walls. All you can do is wait. Wait for the darkness to disappear, for a door to open, which can take days, months or years. Mental suffering is probably the worst kind of pain a person can go through.

So I guess where am going with this is, when it comes to a person who appears to show signs of mental health issues its imperative to consider all possible causes or reasons behind it and consider the facts prior to passing judgement.

-X- Florencia

– My Lemonade

I know its early days but since it took over social media I mibeyonce-lemonade-album-music-video-tidalght as well seize the opportunity to lay myself bare.

Well, we all saw it coming, Beyonce serving the world lemonade.. How it was served was very refreshing, I personally didn’t see it coming. However, the taste of Lemonade is undoubtedly very identifiable and left a familiar aftertaste in a lot of women out there. To me however, it tasted a bit foreign.. but when I sat back and processed the language, the emotion of what she conveyed in her message I realised that it applied to me as well. Perhaps mine should just be served with a straw instead of ice. Now let me sip on that sh*t.

Mr. Y did cheat on me. Perhaps not with another woman but he certainly deceived me. Made me believe he was someone else, sold me a dream, made me to believe that he would be the one to save me from my emotional pain. Well.. if only I could speak to my 17 year old self, Oh how things would have been different right now.

“You can taste the dishonesty/ Can’t you see there’s no other man above you/ What a wicked way to treat the girl that loves you./ Something doesn’t feel right.. / What’s worse, looking crazy?.. More like walked all over lately/ “– Beyonce

How can someone I loved so much, that cared for me, supported me, filled in a void in more ways than one, made me feel like I was living like every girl’s dream..  Just turn on me. He took his mask of and showed me his real self, over and over again. I forgave him time and time again.

He always got them f*king excuses, Sorry! – Beyonce

Cried myself to sleep most nights and put on a smile the next day. This went on for years.. You probably wonder why I allowed him to come back every time. Well it took me 1 year and a half of intermittent psychotherapy to sort of understand my thought process at the time. In fact, I realised the reason why I was still with him had less to do with him but more with me and how I felt about myself. I felt lonely, insecure, undesirable, unattractive.. I had lost my voice completely, he took that away from me. The lioness inside of me who stood up for me and fought with me through my battles gave up and raised her white flag. I was afraid of being alone, didn’t think I would meet another man after him and I was very unsure about my future and how it would look like.

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” It’s such a shame, you let this good love go to waste./ Who the f*ck do you think I am? You ain’t married to no average b*tch, boy./ I am the dragon breathing fire/ Beautiful mane, I’m the lion/” — Beyonce

I lost it. You ask how? Well.. I f*cked up his sh*t, Yes ma’am I did. And yes it felt soo good ! I was angry! Not at him anymore, not for what he was doing to me, not for the person he turned me into, but I was angry at myself. Angry at the lioness within me. How can I not be defeated by life and what it has thrown at me but I allowed a man to disregard all my achievements, spit on my accomplishments, disrespect my being. How can I allow a man to change me to the point where I do not know who Florencia is. At some point I couldn’t recognise myself anymore and quite frankly, I was ashamed of myself.

It took me 2 years to walk away and 1 year to find my authentic self. To be honest, that 18 year old girl has been battered to death and is gone. But that’s fine because I came to the realisation that reinventing yourself is even better. One of the most important lessons that I have learned by finishing my glass of lemonade is listening to my gut and staying true to my authentic self. Ignoring the lioness will result into a dose of headaches, tears and a bite in my plumpy ass. Secondly, a good friend probably taught me a lesson by simply reminding me to be truly content with myself. To me that means accepting oneself and not depending on others for your happiness. This takes a lot of soul searching, self reflection and maybe taking your self out for a few dinners and retail therapy. I haven’t completely gotten to that point yet but I am well on my way and therefore I am a lot happier. I have met my new self and it seems like its been working out for me. There is a fire within me, a passion for life which I had lost but have found again. I am taking life head on and grab anyone who’s in my way by the the jugular and the balls (if they have one).

-X- Florencia

Where it all began

As this is my first post I think its only right for me to start with some self-reflection and explore the motivation behind ‘Honour My Mystique‘.

It all started when I was born in the Netherlands, at a couple of months old my parents gave me up for foster care to a middle class Caucasian family who lived in a predominantly Caucasian area. My foster family was very loving and took me in like I was one of their own. They accepted and loved me for who I was. However, I was not so much welcomed at school.

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Ever since I can remember I was told and made to
believe that I wasn’t good enough. I remember being an 8 year old girl struggling with the notion that my skin colour is too dark and therefore undesirable. Being compared to ‘Black Pete’ (which is the Dutch version of Black Face).. I was bigger than the average child and that ‘fat Black kid’ or ‘Black cow’ was mostly my label.. I wasn’t only being treated or looked at differently, but I was simply bullied and sometimes attacked for the fact that I looked different then most children in my school. I felt like I was being tormented at the time. I was told that ‘children are being children and don’t know any better’. But when I got branded ‘the fat nigger’ in secondary school I knew something wasn’t right..

Then the day came when I turned 12 and got told that I had to permanently move back home, to my biological parents. Initially, I felt heartbroken, disposed of and abandoned by my (foster) family. I am not good enough again. Not worthy. Not worthy of being cared for and being protected by the people who I viewed as my family. But having gone through the emotional roller-coasters at such a young age, I started to appreciate the silver lining in situations. So I figured, at least I would be surrounded by ‘my own kind’, around people who would appreciate and accept me for just being me. I could develop a relationship and a bond with my parents, and experience the concept of ‘blood is thicker than water’ and have a genuine connection. But I was sadly mistaken..

My mother introduced me to skin lightening/bleaching products, it is to ‘correct’ your skin and make it look ‘nicer’ she said. ‘Florencia, all you do is eat and sleep’, that’s what I was told on a regular basis, when in fact I was a grade A student and most days after school I trained to become an athlete. You need to eat less otherwise men won’t look at you, you won’t be able to find a husband when you’re older.. Being ridiculed by the community for not being able to speak the native language and being classed as the ‘White girl’ (how ironic) or that I am neglecting my heritage,  being told that I act ‘White’.

As you can imagine, I never had much of an identity or a sense of belonging when I was younger. I have and probably always will be an outcast. But over the years, from being a lost and confused child growing into an independent woman I have learned to accept and learn to love my uniqueness. I have learned to accept how my experiences have moulded me into the warrior I have become today.

I am a work in progress, but the fact that its in motion is of paramount importance. I love my mystique and nobody can take that away from me.

Watch this space…

-X- Florencia