It has been nearly a decade since I have been in love, and I mean devoted, wholehearted, and unconditional love. I met my first love at the innocent age of 14/15 and even though I probably couldn’t explain the definition of true love or even identify it, I knew that I had found something special. Although he had not much to offer me, he made me feel admired, wanted, adored and secure. He was the first person who made me feel like I was worthy to be loved and respected, and for that he will always have a place in my heart.
Forward, 8 years later and I never thought I would meet someone as special, until I met you. The way you looked in to my eyes, the way you caressed my skin, the way you kissed and loved every flaw lit up a fire within me I thought had died a long time ago. You reminded me of who I was and more importantly, you showed me who I could be. Your touch felt familiar, your passionate kisses blew life back into my soul, the way you cupped my face with your large hands and held me with your strong arms… I felt protected, your presence made me feel safe. Just your undivided attention and listening ear was all I needed sometimes. You made me feel like the sexy queen I knew I could be. You made me feel alive again. Days without you felt like weeks and weeks without you felt like months. I craved your scent, your lips, your dark naked body against mine. The nights without you felt so lonely it was almost unbearable. The smell of you on my pillow cases was the only thing that cradled me to sleep when you weren’t around. Every time I see you, you send shivers down my spine. The energy between us is electric, almost orgasmic it drives me crazy.
I want you. I love you.
I never knew the person I admired so much and grew to love would betray me like this. Was it a facade? Was it all a lie? Was I blinded to the signs? When you changed and showed a different face, I constantly had to question, question your actions as well as mine. Am I doing too much? Am I smothering him? Am I asking for too much? Am I expecting too much? Is this going too quick? Is he bored of me already? Now the same person who gave me butterflies now makes me feel sick to my stomach. I cannot take it anymore. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and you took advantage of that. I trusted you. I gave you my heart and you treated me like I was disposable. Just a quick snack to keep you occupied. What did I do to deserve this? I never asked for any of it. Why am I not worth your love? Why am I not worth your respect? I never knew unrequited love could be this painful. You’ve hurt me and knocked my confidence for a while.
I love you, but I am disappointed in you.
One thing I have learned from situation is: if a man wants to be with you, he will move mountains to be with you and to make you happy. He will show his love through his actions. His heart will be in the right place and his intentions will be pure. You will never have to question his loyalty to you. He will want to satisfy you in every way possible. Love shouldn’t have to hurt, love shouldn’t be unfair and love shouldn’t be emotionally and physically draining, love shouldn’t be a lie.
I refuse to believe that I’m not good enough. I refuse to believe that I am not worthy to be loved. I choose to forgive this man who clearly had no idea how valuable this little gem is. The word says that God made no mistake when he created me and I choose to honour that. I have done all that I could. I gave him my body and my soul but my all was not good enough for this man. I was blinded by my love for you but now I have to learn how to forgive a person who isn’t sorry. That to me, is strength and another large hurdle I have to overcome.