I know its early days but since it took over social media I might as well seize the opportunity to lay myself bare.
Well, we all saw it coming, Beyonce serving the world lemonade.. How it was served was very refreshing, I personally didn’t see it coming. However, the taste of Lemonade is undoubtedly very identifiable and left a familiar aftertaste in a lot of women out there. To me however, it tasted a bit foreign.. but when I sat back and processed the language, the emotion of what she conveyed in her message I realised that it applied to me as well. Perhaps mine should just be served with a straw instead of ice. Now let me sip on that sh*t.
Mr. Y did cheat on me. Perhaps not with another woman but he certainly deceived me. Made me believe he was someone else, sold me a dream, made me to believe that he would be the one to save me from my emotional pain. Well.. if only I could speak to my 17 year old self, Oh how things would have been different right now.
“You can taste the dishonesty/ Can’t you see there’s no other man above you/ What a wicked way to treat the girl that loves you./ Something doesn’t feel right.. / What’s worse, looking crazy?.. More like walked all over lately/ “– Beyonce
How can someone I loved so much, that cared for me, supported me, filled in a void in more ways than one, made me feel like I was living like every girl’s dream.. Just turn on me. He took his mask of and showed me his real self, over and over again. I forgave him time and time again.
He always got them f*king excuses, Sorry! – Beyonce
Cried myself to sleep most nights and put on a smile the next day. This went on for years.. You probably wonder why I allowed him to come back every time. Well it took me 1 year and a half of intermittent psychotherapy to sort of understand my thought process at the time. In fact, I realised the reason why I was still with him had less to do with him but more with me and how I felt about myself. I felt lonely, insecure, undesirable, unattractive.. I had lost my voice completely, he took that away from me. The lioness inside of me who stood up for me and fought with me through my battles gave up and raised her white flag. I was afraid of being alone, didn’t think I would meet another man after him and I was very unsure about my future and how it would look like.
” It’s such a shame, you let this good love go to waste./ Who the f*ck do you think I am? You ain’t married to no average b*tch, boy./ I am the dragon breathing fire/ Beautiful mane, I’m the lion/” — Beyonce
I lost it. You ask how? Well.. I f*cked up his sh*t, Yes ma’am I did. And yes it felt soo good ! I was angry! Not at him anymore, not for what he was doing to me, not for the person he turned me into, but I was angry at myself. Angry at the lioness within me. How can I not be defeated by life and what it has thrown at me but I allowed a man to disregard all my achievements, spit on my accomplishments, disrespect my being. How can I allow a man to change me to the point where I do not know who Florencia is. At some point I couldn’t recognise myself anymore and quite frankly, I was ashamed of myself.
It took me 2 years to walk away and 1 year to find my authentic self. To be honest, that 18 year old girl has been battered to death and is gone. But that’s fine because I came to the realisation that reinventing yourself is even better. One of the most important lessons that I have learned by finishing my glass of lemonade is listening to my gut and staying true to my authentic self. Ignoring the lioness will result into a dose of headaches, tears and a bite in my plumpy ass. Secondly, a good friend probably taught me a lesson by simply reminding me to be truly content with myself. To me that means accepting oneself and not depending on others for your happiness. This takes a lot of soul searching, self reflection and maybe taking your self out for a few dinners and retail therapy. I haven’t completely gotten to that point yet but I am well on my way and therefore I am a lot happier. I have met my new self and it seems like its been working out for me. There is a fire within me, a passion for life which I had lost but have found again. I am taking life head on and grab anyone who’s in my way by the the jugular and the balls (if they have one).